The complexities of: the Peter Pan Complex
Lately I've been thinking that it might not ever happen to me - this transformation to adulthood. I am entirely governed by my emotions. I obsess like a child and regress like a child when life calls for a cool, calm and rational actions and decisions. As time hurtles on I try SO HARD to stay where I am but clinging onto the crumbling cliff edge of now is impossible. When I think about this impossibility all other issues dwarf in comparison. It terrifies me. So I bought a Kit Kat from one of those vending machines on the way home and ate it on the train while listening to Tammy Wynette.
Uni is not the same this year. There's something different, the environment is a little darker and more serious. I find myself laughing less and not wanting to socialize so much and you know just wishing my studio was on the top of a mountainous landscape with a toppling view out to the ocean - there's not a soul for miles and the only sound is the exhausting exhaling of waves. I know what you're thinking. "I didn't sign up for this!" As in I apologize for the angst. While one part of me is totally desperate to do honours, another part of me thinks that I've been at VCA for too long. I'm jaded, sick of the larger 'scene' (couldn't think of a less bad word and by the way I'm not referring to my friends) and sort have begun to resent the environment rather than thrive in it. JUST a little bit. There's yet another batch of first years 'fresh meat', and it just kind of solidifies the fact that we're in an institution and that I feel a little 'churned out'. Uh oh!
BUT. Negativity is not my style. VCA has been the absolute most amazing best thing for me upon leaving high school. Perhaps it's just too much of a good thing, or I'm just having a slow start to the year. This shall pass, I'm sure of it, and I'll be back raving about Uni and how happy I am to be there like I was 3 weeks ago. I did see a guy carrying a dead rat out of his studio today, that was pretty good. I think I'm just acknowledging a shift in myself or something. Maybe after all, I am growing up. Pigs can fly.
These are some little paintings I did today, and they made me feel a little better. Sorry for the angst. Yours in faith and optimism, usually - Minna.