Clutter

My whole life, my mind, very being and existence is so intensely cluttered. I often justify this by thinking that I need such an environment in order to make art and to thrive, but now I think perhaps it is a crutch that I lean on to make my physical and mental spaces feel safer, more cushioned - to crush out anything I don't want to look at or think about with more stuff on top of more stuff. I wake up in the middle of the night so often now, and I have a song turning round and round in my head, faster and faster. Someone's face, looming deadlines, a tinge of guilt, of uncertainty, excitement, loneliness, all at any one given second, lying in bed alone late at night or early in the morning with my eyes wide open.

I'm going through another stage of 'growing up' at the moment, I think, and I'm starting to realise that my cluttered environment is not one that is easily sustainable or good for my well-being. I have a lot of physical clutter in my physical spaces, but the most worrying of clutters I have is the clutter in my mind. I am going to really make an effort to try methods of meditation and relaxation in the coming weeks, months, I guess when I get around to it... but I know I need to get around to it soon. I'm struggling again with my physical health, my same old stomach troubles plus a nasty throat and sinus infection. Again, I always feel weird telling people that I'm not feeling well, or that I can't do stuff because I'm not feeling well, because a) in relation to other people's much more serious health issues mine are truly insignificant in comparison. b) because it really bothers me to have to admit that a seemingly mild yet persistent and unpleasant physical problem is debilitating me to the extent of missing out on things like hanging out with friends and actually enjoying myself for once and c) because I ALWAYS SEEM TO BE SICK y'all must be getting tired of hearing it!

In conclusion to this rant, I feel like de-cluttering my mind and finding like that ""inner peace"" or whatever that crap people rave on about might be the answer for me feeling better mentally which will help with feeling better physically. Hell, even if I can sleep through a whole night it'll be worth it. If I've said it once Grimes has said it a million times "GIRL YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA WATCH YOUR HEALTH".

More clutter below: